That Time I Got Electrocuted To Death, Which I Chose Over Being Eaten By A Shark

A good friend of mine, a very successful businessman who owns a company that sells boats, came to me with tears in his eyes. He said, "Sir, I don't know what to do. The Biden administration wants to force me to use batteries to power my boats instead of gas".

"I totally understand where you're coming from", I told him. "Why everyone has to vote Trump. I will, on day one, roll back these ridiculous regulations that are killing American businesses".

Then my very good friend (who isn't imaginary) and I took a boat ride together. "See what I mean?", he told me. "This is an electric boat". "I didn't know that", I said. Then I got really worried. I could see that the battery was quite heavy and causing the boat to sink. This was after we sailed away from Mar-A-Lago for a while. We were now several miles away from Florida's east coast in the Atlantic Ocean.

My friend began to panic, but I calmly started bailing as fast as I could. Then I saw sharks circling the boat. Suddenly one of the sharks chomped the side of the boat, taking a big chunk out of it. The boat lurched causing my friend to lose his balance and fly over the side. He swam for his life trying to get away from multiple Great White sharks.

The image at the top of this post approximates what it looked like as my friend tried to evade the hungry Great Whites. Unfortunately he didn't make it. Me, I hung on, deciding I would rather get electrocuted than face all those sharks. Soon the water was red with blood, but still I hung on.

The boat continued to sink, submerging the electric battery. Electric current flowed though the water. I could feel it tingling. Then I smelt frying Trump. The pain was incredible, but I was able to withstand it. For a while, at least. But with a billion currents flowing, even a superman such as myself did not stand a chance.

When I came to I found I was surrounded by fluffy white clouds. My friend, wearing white robes and a halo, greeted me. "God says you can stay in Heaven and be rewarded with 72 virgins. Or you can return to Earth. It is your choice".

I was extremely tempted, but ultimately decided to return to Earth. To fulfill my destiny as God's chosen leader. Jesus (who was looking on) smiled when he heard my decision. "My Father decided wisely when selecting you as his chosen leader", Jesus said. "Thank you", I told Jesus. "I am but a humble servant of the Lord".

For the record this is a totally true story. My friend stayed in Heaven, while I returned to Earth. More determined than ever to defeat crooked Joe Biden and to save America. I do this not for myself, but for my children and your children. The future of our great nation rests on my shoulders. But you can be certain I take this responsibility extremely seriously. I will never stop fighting for YOU.

All I ask is that you do your part. Vote for me in the upcoming election. Also, send me money! I need mucho dinero to pay for all my legal bills. The corrupt Soros-funded prosecutor, Alvin Bragg got me with 34 phony "felonies". A hoe named Fani is also coming for me.

All at the direction of farting Joe Biden, the senile puppet of the Deep State. They will do everything in their power to prevent me from saving America. But (in the end) they will fail. This I know, given the fact that God is on my side. He told so me himself.

I Have A Relationship With MIT & Am Very Smart !

I'm being politically persecuted for raping that woman I never met. My wife, Marla. Also for sleeping with that horseface porn star -- then hiding hush money payments to her so the voters wouldn't find out. Because I was already in bigly trouble for telling Billy Bush I can grab women by their privates because "they let you do it".

Did you know that, during America's Civil War, our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rockets' red glare, it had nothing but victory.

When I was president I launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq, and I want you to know this. I was sitting at the table at Mar-A-Lago, we had finished dinner. Xi and I had dessert -- and we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you've ever seen. I had two scoops of ice cream but only let Xi have one. He said "you mean Syria -- you launched missiles at Syria". And I said "Yes, Syria". Did you know the missiles are unmanned? That's brilliant. Xi and I, we love each other.

It must be because of M.I.T., my relationship with M.I.T., very smart. I say, what would happen if the boat sank from its weight and you're in the boat and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery is now underwater, and there's a shark that's approximately 10 yards over there? I'll take electrocution every single time. I'm not getting near the shark.

Do you ever go into a new home where you have a shower? Where the water doesn't come out of the shower head? I've had the experience. I take a shower, I want that beautiful head of hair to be nice and wet. Lather, I want it to be lathered beautifully and I get the best stuff you can buy. And I dump it all over and then I turn on the water and the water drips out.

Blacks like me because I have a rap sheet like they do. I sold gold sneakers. Black people like sneakers. I have a lot in common with the Blacks, why their support for me is surging.

I took a cognitive test, and I aced it. Doc Ronny -- Doc Ronny Johnson. Does everyone know Ronny Johnson, congressman from Texas? He was the White House doctor.

I know words. I have the best words. Person, woman, man, camera, TV!

When I am predisent again I will put Crooked Joe Biden and his group of thugs on trial. Also Alvin Bragg and Fani Willis. All my enemies will find the tables turned on them. I have the wounds all over my body. If I took this shirt off, you'd see a beautiful, beautiful person. But you'd see wounds all over, all over me. I have taken a lot of wounds, I can tell you. More than I suspect any president ever.

You know, in history, they say Andrew Jackson was treated the worst. President Andrew, he was a great general and a very good president. And Abraham Lincoln was second worst. Now he had a civil war. So, you know, you sort of think that was understood. And now they're rewriting the books. Trump was treated the worst, Andrew Jackson second and Abraham Lincoln third. But I definitely took top spot :P

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